Death and grief are universal human experiences, yet the way we navigate the complex emotions is evolving in the digital age. Technology has profoundly changed how we connect, communicate, and commemorate our loved ones, redefining the grieving process. We are exploring the impact of technology on our experiences of death and grief, delving into the rise of online memorials, digital legacy management, and the role of social media in mourning and remembrance.
Online Memorials: A Virtual Space for Grief
The internet has given rise to a new form of memorialization – online memorials. These virtual spaces allow us to create, share, and interact with memories of our loved ones, transcending geographical boundaries and time constraints. Online memorials can take various forms, from simple tribute pages to elaborate virtual cemeteries, offering a platform for mourners to express their emotions, share stories, and find support.
Digital Legacy Management: Preserving Memories for the Future
Our digital footprints become an integral part of our legacy as we live online. Digital legacy management involves curating and preserving our online presence, ensuring that our memories, stories, and experiences are safeguarded for future generations. This can include archiving social media profiles, creating digital time capsules, or using specialized platforms to manage our digital estates.
Social Media and Mourning: A Double-Edged Sword
Social media has become a nearly essential part of our daily lives, and its impact on the grieving process is multifaceted. On one hand, social media platforms provide a space for mourners to share their emotions, connect with others, and find support. Hashtags like #RIP and #GoneTooSoon have become synonymous with online mourning, allowing us to express our condolences and pay tribute to our loved ones.
On the other hand, social media can also perpetuate the cult of celebrity death, where public figures are mourned en masse, and their passing becomes a spectacle. This can trivialize the grieving process, reducing it to likes, shares, and comments. Moreover, social media’s ephemeral nature can make it challenging to preserve memories and reflect on our grief over time.
The Role of Technology in Mourning and Remembrance
Technology has transformed how we mourn and remember our loved ones, offering new avenues for expression, connection, and commemoration. Online memorials and digital legacy management provide a sense of permanence and continuity, allowing us to honor our loved ones in a virtual space.
Social media, while imperfect, offers a platform for public mourning, enabling us to share our emotions and find support. However, it’s crucial to recognize technology’s limitations and potential pitfalls in the grieving process. We must strive to balance online and offline mourning, ensuring that our digital expressions of grief complement, rather than replace, traditional forms of remembrance.
The digital landscape of death and grief is complex and multifaceted, reflecting our evolving relationship with technology and mortality. As we navigate this new territory, it’s imperative to acknowledge the benefits and challenges of technology in the grieving process. By harnessing the power of online memorials, digital legacy management, and social media, we can cultivate a more compassionate, connected, and lasting experience of grief and remembrance that transcends geographical boundaries and time constraints and provides a sense of community and continuity for those who mourn.
In the words of Dr. Elaine Kasket, a psychologist and author, “The digital age has given us new ways to grieve, but it’s also given us new ways to avoid grieving.” As we move forward, let’s harness the power of technology to enhance our experiences of death and grief while remaining mindful of the importance of human connection and traditional forms of remembrance. Only then can we truly honor our loved ones and find solace in the digital landscape of death and grief.
The Igorot, indigenous peoples inhabiting the Cordillera Administrative region of Luzon in the Philippines, have rich and unique customs surrounding death and dying that reflect their deep connection to nature, community, and ancestral spirits. There are several groups within the Igorot, and the customs vary among them. We are exploring just an overview of some of their customs, journeying into the heart of Igorot culture to uncover the intricate rituals and beliefs that guide them through the passage of death.
Ancestral Beliefs
Central to Igorot death customs is the belief in ancestral spirits, known as “anitos,” who continue to watch over and guide the living. Death is seen as a transition to the spirit world, where the deceased join their ancestors in the afterlife.
Rituals of Passage
When a member of the Igorot community passes away, elaborate rituals are performed to guide their spirit to the next life. These rituals often involve prayers, chants, and offerings to appease the spirits and ensure a peaceful journey for the departed soul.
Wake and Vigil
Similar to other Filipino cultures, some Igorot families hold wakes where the deceased’s body is laid in state for several days. Family and community members gather to pay their respects, offer condolences, and participate in traditional rituals.
Sangadil
A unique Igorot tradition, Sangadil involves washing and clothing the deceased in their best attire and then sitting them in a wooden chair. This act symbolizes their connection to this world before moving on to the afterlife. Once the body is dried, it is turned sideways in the fetal position. Mourners gather around to join this tradition and pay their respects. This custom can last for several days. However, the Sangadil tradition has slowly eroded, making way for more Western-style funerals.
Funeral Processions
On the funeral day, the community accompanies the deceased to their final resting place. The procession is often led by elders and community leaders, followed by family members and mourners carrying offerings and symbolic items.
Burial Practices
Igorot burial customs vary depending on the sub-tribe and location. Some Igorot groups practice above-ground burials in wooden coffins placed in caves or hanging coffins suspended on cliffs, while others opt for ground burials in communal or family graveyards.
Cultural Symbols and Offerings
Throughout the funeral and burial process, various cultural symbols and offerings honor the deceased and enable their journey to the afterlife. These may include food, wine, clothing, and personal belongings that hold significance to the departed.
Continued Ancestral Veneration
Even after burial, the Igorot continue to honor their ancestors through rituals and ceremonies, where offerings are made at the gravesite to appease the spirits and seek their blessings.
Community Support and Solidarity
The death of a community member is seen as a collective loss, and the entire community comes together to provide support and assistance to the grieving family. This spirit of solidarity strengthens social bonds and reinforces the interconnectedness of Igorot society.
Legacy and Remembrance
Above all, Igorot death customs emphasize the importance of preserving and honoring the legacy of the departed. Through rituals, ceremonies, and storytelling, the memories of loved ones are kept alive, ensuring they are never forgotten.
Death and dying customs among the Igorot people in the Philippines are steeped in tradition, spirituality, and reverence for the cycle of life. These traditions offer solace to the grieving and reflect the enduring cultural heritage and strength of the Igorot community.
Survivor’s guilt is a significant emotional experience that arises when individuals grapple with the weight of surviving a traumatic event while others did not. It’s a complex journey filled with many emotions, often from feelings of unworthiness and a deep sense of injustice. Those who experience survivor’s guilt may find themselves questioning their actions, wondering if they could have done more to prevent the loss of life.
At its core, survivor’s guilt is not a sign of weakness but a testament to the depth of empathy and compassion individuals hold. Survivor’s guilt arises organically in the wake of tragedy, mirroring the extensive bonds we share with others and our inherent drive to safeguard and nurture one another. However, navigating survivor’s guilt can be incredibly challenging, as it often brings with it feelings of shame, self-blame, and a pervasive sense of responsibility for the suffering of others.
After enduring a traumatic event, survivors may grapple with existential queries, struggling to uncover the purpose of their existence and find significance in their own lives. They may feel lost and adrift, searching for a sense of identity and purpose following the tragedy. It’s a deeply isolating experience, one that can leave survivors feeling disconnected from those around them and unable to find solace in the support of loved ones.
Moreover, survivor’s guilt can strain relationships, creating rifts between friends, family members, and romantic partners. Loved ones may struggle to understand the survivor’s experience, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. It’s essential for friends and family to approach survivors with compassion and empathy, offering support and understanding without judgment or expectation.
In romantic relationships, survivor’s guilt can manifest as a fear of intimacy or vulnerability. Survivors may find it challenging to open up to their partners about their feelings, fearing that they will be judged or rejected. Partners play a pivotal role in fostering a secure and empathetic environment where survivors can openly and candidly express themselves, devoid of any apprehension about criticism or embarrassment.
Despite its challenges, survivor’s guilt is a testament to the depth of human connection and compassion. It serves as a poignant reminder of the extensive effects that trauma can exert on both individuals and communities, underscoring the significance of standing by each other during moments of adversity. By approaching survivor’s guilt with compassion and empathy, we can create a more understanding and supportive society where everyone’s pain is acknowledged and validated.
Life’s Blueprint by Tramaine Francis Luster is an indispensable resource that empowers readers to take control of their end-of-life planning with confidence and clarity. This meticulously crafted book offers a step-by-step approach to organizing important documents, making crucial decisions, and ensuring your wishes are known and respected. This beautiful fill-in-the-blank book covers every aspect of life and death. Where some end-of-life planning books stop at simply asking the questions, this book offers expert guidance for everything from wills to healthcare directives to funeral arrangements to military service to social media presence, providing peace of mind for you and your loved ones. With its user-friendly format, this book makes the daunting task of estate planning and legacy management accessible and effortless for readers of all backgrounds. Whether starting from scratch or revising existing plans, Life’s Blueprint is an invaluable tool that will help you easily navigate the complexities of end-of-life preparation. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to ensure their affairs are in order and their legacy is preserved according to their wishes. Tramaine also offers estate plan packages and funeral pre-need arrangements. Check out the frequently asked questions at Mosaic Legal Support Services to determine if these services are right for you and your family.
Meet Angela Shook, a compassionate and dedicated pet death doula who has made it her mission to support pet owners through the most difficult time of their lives – saying goodbye to their beloved pets and service animals. With a deep understanding of the human-animal bond and the grieving process, Angela provides a unique and essential service, helping pet owners navigate the emotional and practical aspects of pet loss. From creating personalized farewell rituals to offering emotional support and guidance, Angela is a beacon of hope and comfort for those facing the heartbreak of pet loss. In this interview, we’ll delve into Angela’s inspiring work, exploring the rewards and challenges of this vital profession, and how she’s making a difference in the lives of pet owners everywhere.
Can you share your journey and what inspired you to provide end-of-life care for companion animals?
I was first drawn to end-of-life care as a hospice volunteer several years ago, and like many, I was inspired to become an end-of-life doula after the death of a loved one. Although we had a complicated and difficult relationship, at the end of my grandfather’s life, I was able to find peace, forgiveness, and love. With this new understanding that death could bring healing and my respect for hospice care that he received; I wanted to help others also have a positive death experience. I have since made end-of-life care and advocacy my full-time passion and occupation. I own and operate Dragonfly End-of-Life services. I am an End-of-Life Doula, a Companion Animal Doula, and a Pet Loss Grief Specialist. I served on the board of directors of the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA) from 2018-2022 and served two years as president. I serve on the board as a director for my local Humane Society and instruct both the End of Life Doula and Companion Animal Doula Courses at the University of Vermont.
I was drawn to serve as a pet doula for a couple of reasons. I wanted to expand my existing doula tool kit and end-of-life services. Second, I knew that my elderly Maltese, Bella, would need more support as time went by, and I knew that I would need to prepare myself for her eventual death. About a year after I trained to be a Companion Animal Doula, another family pet became very ill and declined very quickly. I found an amazing mobile veterinarian who helped us euthanize him peacefully at home. I was so touched by this experience and by the support that I received that I was inspired to work with her. We partnered two years ago, and I now work with her three days a week as a doula. Together, we help support families as they make the difficult decisions that come at their pets’ last days; we also help provide grief support as needed. Companioning these beautiful creatures and their loved ones has been so fulfilling and so very precious to me. These experiences also helped me give Bella the best possible care for her remaining time with me. Sadly, Bella died in August of 2022, and although my heart continues to ache, the knowledge and skills gained through my training and experiences have been invaluable. In addition to my two dogs (Chewy and Bentley), I offer foster/hospice care to pets who need a home for the last part of their journeys. I attached a picture here of Baby. She was a sweet, mostly blind older dog who needed hospice care. Although I only had her for the last few months of her life, she greatly impacted the rest of mine. I will be forever grateful that I had the chance to care for her at her end-of-life and for the many other pets since then. Since 2022, I have supported more than 200 pets and families through their end-of-life journeys, euthanasia appointments, and their grief process.
Angela and Bella
As a Companion Animal Doula, I serve by helping assess the quality of life of a pet, working with the veterinarian team in creating and supporting palliative and end-of-life care plans, providing resources, preparing families and children for what to expect, and companioning during euthanasia and other care appointments. Assisting with after death care including burial, cremation and other disposition options, transportation of the body, memorials and legacy work, and grief support for as long as is needed.
I am happy to serve clients with any type of pet. However, most often, I am asked to support the end-of-life plan for dogs and cats, and occasionally horses and rabbits.
You also work with service animals. Considering their unique bond and reliance on these animals, how do you approach supporting service animal handlers facing the loss of their beloved companions?
Because of the deep bond between a therapy animal and their handler, the loss of a therapy animal can upend the handler’s sense of identity and purpose in the world. Service animals are integral to their handler’s ability to be independent and mobile. These animals may pull wheelchairs, retrieve needed items, or detect impending medical events like seizures. Because of this highly interdependent relationship, when a service or therapy animal dies, the grief can be much more intense than when a household pet dies, and the adjustment to the loss can take much longer and be more extensive. In addition to the loss of a beloved companion, these feelings of loss and identity need to be addressed with sensitivity and a respectful acknowledgment of this unique and impactful relationship.
Can you discuss any specific rituals or ceremonies you incorporate into your practice to honor the service and contributions of these animals during the end-of-life process?
To help memorialize the life of a pet and acknowledge the deep bond with their families, I often share ideas for ways to honor the pet after its death. Writing an obituary, creating memory gardens and scrapbooks, holding funeral services, and writing letters to the pet can also be part of the healing process.
Here is a ritual that I share often and was recently published in a book that I co-authored titled The Doula Tool Kit:
Seed Paper Ritual
Supplies:
1 piece of mesh material in a frame, such as a window screen or embroidery hoop, stretched pantyhose can also be used
1 blender
1 rimmed pan large enough to fit the framed mesh
1 spoon
1 old towel or large piece of felt
1 large bowl
1 pair of scissors
1 cup non-glossy shredded paper (enough for one small greeting card’s worth of paper)
1 packet of seeds (Use whatever type of seeds you like, but keep in mind the area of the country where it may be planted.)
1 large bowl of warm water Optional: Dried flower petals Natural food coloring
Directions:
Assemble your paper scraps and tear or cut them up into small bits. The largest pieces should not be bigger than a half-inch wide. The night before you plan to make the seed paper, take a large bowl and fill it with warm water. Add your shredded paper bits to the water and let them soak overnight. In the blender, mix the soaked paper with a little bit of added water to create a paste. Blend until the paper becomes thick. To create colored paper, add a few drops of natural food coloring to the thick pulp and pulse the blender to distribute. Set out your rimmed pan, such as a baking pan, and pour in your paper pulp, using a spoon to get everything out. If it is very thick or dry, add a bit of water to loosen it. You’re going to need to create an even layer of pulp on your screen. To achieve this, take your framed window mesh and dip it into the pulp mixture so that the pulp sticks to the mesh. Flip over and check to make sure that you have a good layer of pulp. If necessary, spoon some of the extra pulp to cover it evenly. Lay out your old towel or felt onto a flat surface. Place your mesh onto the towel and pulp up, allowing any extra moisture to get absorbed by the towel. Sprinkle your seeds onto the pulp layered on the mesh. Make sure not to cover the pulp completely with seeds. Gently press the seeds into the pulp so they don’t fall off when the paper dries. Take your framed mesh and flip it over so the pulp faces down but does not touch the towel. Allow the paper pulp to fall gently off your mesh and onto the towel. Try not to disturb or peel off in order to avoid tearing the pulp. Let the paper dry on the towel for at least one day. Check to make sure your paper is completely dry. If it has curled at all, place a few heavy books on top to smooth out the paper. Use the unseeded side to write messages or decorate.
The intention behind this ritual is to create a way to share blessings, final goodbyes, and send messages to those who have died. By writing messages on this paper, they can be safely planted into the earth to create small memorial gardens or in pots inside. These messages can also be buried with our sweet companion animals. Seed paper can be purchased or easily created as a craft project that children especially enjoy. As the seeds in the paper germinate and grow into plants and flowers, the memories of our loved ones are honored in a beautiful and visual way. Although our beloveds may be gone from this world, our love, like the flowers, will continue to grow.
Angela and Baby
How do you navigate the decision-making process surrounding end-of-life care and euthanasia for companion animals, considering the ethical and practical considerations involved?
Making the decision to euthanize a pet is the most difficult and emotionally devastating part of being a pet caregiver. My priority is to support each client with unconditional positive regard and to serve them without judgment or my own opinions or agenda. It can be a challenging burden to act as God, and choose when your beloved pet will die and everyone will come to this decision in different ways. Even when we understand that this choice is an act of mercy and a final gift of love, it can be an emotionally distressing time. When a client contacts me prior to their pet’s death and is questioning the right time to consider euthanasia, I share Quality of Life information, assessments, and a calendar. I have used these many times and find them incredibly helpful. The calendar is easy to track with a simple happy or sad face each day and along with the assessment, can help the pet caregiver make the best choice possible for their loved one. If planned euthanasia is the decision made for a pet, it’s beneficial to share that they are not “killing” the pet, but rather the illness or the age of the pet has caused the death, and the family has chosen to relieve the pet of pain and suffering. That this is our last and most compassionate act of love that we can give to them. We are choosing to end their pain and allowing our own to begin.
Can you discuss any legal or logistical considerations companion animal handlers may need to address when planning their animals’ end-of-life care and disposition?
Today, there are more options for end-of-life planning and body disposition for our pets than ever before. Financial considerations such as cost and affordability, the size of the pet, spiritual beliefs and cultural values, and even where the pet owner lives need to be addressed. For those who would like to bury their pets at their homes, it’s important to first know the legal guidelines of the state, county, city, township and Home Owners Associations. Some areas require that the animal be buried at a certain depth, and some areas do not allow burial of pets even on personal property. For those who rent or do not have the space/ability to bury at home, cemeteries can be an option. Many community commentaries have a pet specific area and there are also many pet only cemeteries available.
Cremation allows the ashes/remains to be returned to the pet owner if wished, and this can be a comfort to many. More recently available is aquamation which uses water rather than fire. This is a more environmentally friendly option and is gaining awareness and popularity. Additional options include: taxidermy, pet composting, freeze drying and body donation for educational/research purposes. These are all options for smaller domestic animals. With larger animals such as horses, special considerations for their size must be considered. Burying a horse is a big deal. It requires large equipment and available land. In some states with dense populations, burial has been outlawed, and other disposal techniques must be used. In addition to burial, large animals may be rendered, composted, or cremated. Disposal can be the hardest part for the owner/caretaker/guardian to be involved with, and this is an area where doulas can provide a lot of support.
Prices for all of these options vary by area, and I work to gather that information for my client so that they have a solid understanding of their choices.
When I begin working with a client, I always share my Companion Animal Advance Care Directive Workbook. I created this with a former student, and it is such a helpful too
Can you share any initiatives or advocacy efforts you’re involved in to raise awareness about the importance of end-of-life care and support for pets and their people?
I find that offering community pet loss support groups and end-of-life education is a valuable way to not only help many others but it is also a great way to share the importance of the role of a pet death doula. I also connect with local rescues and shelters, groomers, trainers, and veterinarians to share my services and to see how we can work together to provide the most holistic and comprehensive pet care possible.
What do you find most rewarding about your work as a Pet Death Doula, and how do you envision the future of end-of-life care for these special companions?
It is such a gift to witness the human-animal bond and to be invited into such a sacred and intimate space as the last few moments of such a beautiful relationship. I am gifted to witness great moments of unconditional love with each of my clients. I am so grateful.
It is rewarding to help people through the loss of their beloved pets. So many times, pet loss is diminished and goes unacknowledged in our culture. It is still very much a type of disenfranchised grief. By supporting people through this loss, I hope to make them feel less isolated and more recognized. As heartbreaking as it is to lose a beloved pet, it can ease the pain a bit to not go through it alone.
As more people become aware of this role, it is my hope that more pets will have a peaceful and pain-free end of life. It is a dream of mine that one day, a pet death doula will be part of all veterinary care plans and that all will have access to this additional compassionate support.
What advice and resources do you have for others who choose the path of Pet Death Doula?
I encourage those interested in this work to invest their time and resources into education and training. I am very proud of the training that we offer at the University of Vermont and we recently greatly expanded and updated our course.
The University of New England recently started an End of Life Pet Doula course as well. Tracey Walker leads that program and she is an amazing pet doula and end of life educator. End-of-Life Pet Doula Certificate – UNE Online | UNE Online
There are so many wonderful books about the human animal bond, pet loss and grief. Some that I recommend are:
And for anyone interested in speaking to an active Companion Animal Doula, I am always happy to schedule time for a conversation and to answer any questions people may have. I can be contacted through my website here.
The topic of death and dying has been close to my heart for as long as I can remember, not from a macabre or fantastical perspective but from a profoundly humbled standpoint. I’ve always found myself captivated by the resilience of the human spirit, especially in the face of losing a loved one, life’s greatest challenge. Witnessing the strength of individuals during their final moments and the courage it takes to navigate that transition leaves me in awe. I consider it an honor to be afforded a glimpse into such a sacred space.
My interest in death and dying didn’t arise out of nowhere—it’s been a lifelong calling deeply rooted in me. From a young age, I was drawn to the mysteries of life’s final chapter, seeking to understand the deeper meaning behind the inevitable transition we all face. It’s not a morbid curiosity but rather a strong reverence for the human journey.
My involvement with hospice began as a volunteer, where, for a short period, I was able to be with and hold space for those facing death. It was a transformative experience that touched me deeply and left an unforgettable mark on my soul. Yet, as fate would have it, my own health took a turn, but I continued in my volunteer role as a contributor to the scrapbook the hospice has had for years. Eventually, my illness wouldn’t allow me to keep up with that role either. A few years later, after my healing journey, I had the opportunity to work for the same hospice in an office role. Then I got sick again and had to resign after working there briefly. It was a heartbreaking realization, but it opened up new avenues for me to explore my passion in a different way. While my path may have diverged, my passion for contributing to the realm of death and dying remains unwavering.
I hold immense gratitude for individuals who dedicate themselves to the work of supporting others through their end-of-life journey. Their efforts, one person or family at a time, truly make the world a better place. I strive to amplify the voices of death workers, caregivers, and those facing a terminal diagnosis. It’s a journey that I don’t take lightly but one that fills me with purpose and meaning.
So, I am channeling my energy into this blog—a humble platform with lofty aspirations. It is a labor of love and a symbol of my commitment to the cause. Through my words, I hope to shine a light on the beauty and complexity of death, challenge the stigma and fear surrounding it, and offer comfort and companionship to those walking this path.
Write a Letter: Consider writing a letter to your estranged loved one, expressing your thoughts, feelings, and unresolved emotions. This can be a therapeutic way to release pent-up emotions and find closure, even if the letter is never sent.
Seek Professional Support: Don’t hesitate to contact a therapist or counselor specializing in grief and loss. They can provide a safe and supportive space to explore your feelings, process your grief, and develop coping strategies tailored to your unique situation.
Create a Memory Box: Gather mementos, photographs, or keepsakes that remind you of your estranged loved one and create a memory box or scrapbook. This tangible tribute can serve as a cherished keepsake and a source of comfort during moments of grief.
Practice Forgiveness: While forgiveness may not be easy or immediate, consider exploring the possibility of forgiving your estranged loved one, yourself, or others involved in the situation. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean condoning past actions but can offer a sense of liberation and peace.
Connect with Supportive Communities: Seek out online or in-person support groups for individuals grieving the loss of an estranged loved one. Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can provide validation, empathy, and a sense of belonging during a difficult time.
Engage in Rituals or Ceremonies: Create your own rituals or ceremonies to honor the memory of your estranged loved one in a way that feels meaningful to you. This could include lighting a candle, planting a tree, or participating in a symbolic act of remembrance.
Explore Creative Outlets: Channel your emotions into creative expression by engaging in writing, painting, music, or crafting. Creative outlets can offer a therapeutic way to process grief and express complex feelings that may be difficult to verbalize.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment, and prioritize self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit.
Reflect on Lessons Learned: Take time to reflect on the lessons learned from your relationship with your estranged loved one and how it has shaped you as a person. Finding meaning in the experience can help you integrate the loss into your life and foster personal growth.
Honor Your Boundaries: Respect your boundaries and permit yourself to prioritize your well-being during the grieving process. This may involve setting boundaries with family members or others who may not understand or respect your need for space and self-care.
In the Southern United States, death and dying customs are not merely events but are deeply ingrained in the fabric of the region’s culture, history, and religious beliefs. Southern customs surrounding death reflect a unique blend of tradition, faith, and community spirit, shaping how individuals and communities navigate the journey from life to death.
Southern Hospitality in Times of Loss
Southern hospitality is renowned worldwide and extends even to times of loss. When death strikes a family in the South, neighbors, friends, and even strangers rally together to provide comfort, assistance, and support. Whether it’s preparing meals, offering a listening ear, or helping with household chores, the outpouring of compassion and solidarity helps ease the burden of grief for the bereaved.
Traditional Funeral Services
Traditional southern funerals are marked by elaborate ceremonies and religious rituals that pay homage to the deceased and offer solace to the grieving. Mostly held in churches or funeral homes, these services typically include hymns, prayers, eulogies, and scripture readings, reflecting the deep-rooted influence of Christianity in the region. Family members and friends gather to honor the departed and seek comfort in their shared faith and traditions.
Open-Casket Viewings
Open-casket viewings are common in southern funeral traditions, allowing mourners to bid farewell to the deceased and pay their final respects. Family members take great care in preparing the body, dressing it in dignified attire, and displaying it in a manner that honors their memory. These viewings offer a tangible opportunity for closure and remembrance, allowing loved ones to say goodbye meaningfully.
Southern Comfort Food
Food has always been central to southern culture, and it plays a significant role in southern death customs as well. In mourning, friends and family gather to share comforting dishes such as fried chicken, casseroles, and pies. These home-cooked meals nourish the body and provide emotional sustenance, offering a taste of familiarity and warmth during times of sorrow.
Burial Traditions
In many southern communities, traditional ground burials remain the preferred method of laying loved ones to rest. Family plots in church cemeteries or rural graveyards serve as sacred spaces where generations of ancestors rest side by side. The act of burying a loved one in the earth is deeply symbolic, representing a return to the land and a connection to the cycles of nature.
Memorial Services and Celebrations of Life
In addition to formal funerals, southern families often host memorial services or celebrations of life to honor the deceased in a more informal setting. These gatherings may take place in the family home, community center, church, or outdoor venue and are characterized by food, music, storytelling, and shared memories. Rather than focusing solely on grief and loss, these celebrations emphasize the joy of a life well-lived and the enduring legacy of the departed.
Emphasis on Family and Community
Southern death customs strongly emphasize the importance of family and community support. Mourners come together to share memories, offer condolences, and provide practical assistance to those grieving the loss of a loved one. Whether it’s organizing meals, arranging childcare, or helping with funeral arrangements, the collective efforts of the community help ease the burden of grief and foster a sense of belonging and solidarity.
Southern Gothic Traditions
In some parts of the southern USA, particularly in rural areas, traditions of storytelling and superstition introduce an air of mystery and intrigue to death customs. Tales of ghostly apparitions, haunted graveyards, and eerie funerary practices are woven into the fabric of southern folklore, adding a sense of drama and mysticism to the rituals surrounding death and dying.
Respect for Elders and Ancestors
Southern culture places a high value on respecting elders and honoring ancestors, and this reverence extends to the customs surrounding death. Rituals such as decorating graves, holding annual remembrances, and passing down family heirlooms are tangible expressions of love and respect for those who have passed on. By preserving these traditions, southerners ensure that the legacy of their ancestors lives on for future generations to cherish and uphold.
Hope and Resilience in the Face of Loss
Despite the sorrow of saying goodbye to loved ones, southern death customs are imbued with a sense of hope and resilience. Through faith, community support, and cherished traditions, southerners find strength in coming together to celebrate life, even amid grief. The rituals surrounding death serve not only to honor the departed but also to reaffirm the bonds of family, community, and faith that sustain them through life’s most challenging moments.
The unique death and dying customs of the southern United States reflect a rich tapestry of tradition, faith, and community spirit that honors the past while embracing the future. From the outpouring of hospitality and support to the solemn rituals of burial and remembrance, these customs serve as a testament to Southern culture’s resilience and enduring spirit. In times of loss and sorrow, the traditions surrounding death provide comfort, solace, and a sense of belonging, reaffirming the bonds that unite Southerners as they navigate the journey from life to death and beyond.
Allow me to introduce Jessica Waters, a Licensed Addictions Counselor with a specialization in advanced grief counseling for death and dying, as well as an Integrated Mental Health Practitioner NEDA Proficient End of Life Doula. With a wealth of experience and expertise, Jessica offers invaluable support and guidance to individuals navigating the intricate landscape of grief. Through compassionate counseling techniques and a deep understanding of loss’s complexities, she empowers clients to navigate their grief journey with resilience and healing. Join us as we delve into her insights and wisdom, shedding light on the transformative power of grief counseling in navigating life’s most profound transitions.
Can you share your journey of becoming a licensed counselor specializing in advanced grief counseling for death and dying?
Well, my journey to this role has been my own journey of healing and getting to know grief in multiple capacities. I started out as a teacher and my first year of teaching experienced school violence. Four years later I lived down the street from Columbine when the massacre occurred. Those two experiences pushed wanting to understand my childhood trauma as well, pushed me into my masters in psychology. I studied trauma in depth and then the power of the arts, specifically expressive arts therapy in healing. From 2000-2005 I also struggled with alcohol and had that battle to fight. In 2005, my brother, who had a long history of paralyzing addiction, was killed, tragically, in a motorcycle accident that he caused. This devastated my parents and his children, and I had a path of dealing with my own anger around his addiction and his death. That anger was my grief. It was also the last day I drank. So in his dying I found my sobriety. The experience was the first beginning of me understanding that everyone grieves differently and that there is no timeline for grief, no completion, but instead a constant evolution of getting to know it and processing it within yourself and with others. My brother’s death started my family’s death cycle. By this I mean we entered a time when we had several more deaths in the next two years. My aunt would be diagnosed with multiple myeloma and just shy of a year after my brother’s death, she was put on home hospice where I cared for her until after she died. It was another experience of learning about death, as hospice and traumatic death are very different experiences in ways. That experience was incredible and such a huge part of really understanding the active dying process, but also from a spiritual perspective as some key experiences that shaped my personal beliefs in the afterlife and the spirit crossing over, were confirmed. That next year, to the day, my grandmother passed away from a stroke, two months later my other grandmother passed away from Alzheimer’s. It was two days before Christmas in 2007. My great uncle died suddenly from a heart attack on New Year’s Eve. Processing those three years became an immense process and frankly in the height of the events happening, I became very desensitized to people dying. It became another event for me personally, as my emotional capacity was at its maximum. I thought I was cursed at the time as everyone that I’d encounter would have someone or their pet actively dying in their life. What I didn’t realize immediately were two things: the reality that we all are going to die. As I say, and some take offense to, no one’s getting out of here alive–physically. Two, that the spiritual component of dying and living are so amazingly intertwined and part of the magic and sacredness of not only life on this plane but in totality of our spiritual energies existence.
After the Sandy Hook Massacre occurred in 2014 I had to take a break from trauma work to heal myself. This led to, later, a renewed dedication and understanding that my “place” was to help others understand and have a compassionate, connected place where spirit and healing energy could be intently focused. So from 2018-the present really, I have completed a multitude of certifications in various trauma and grief treatment approaches, including study with the Hospice Centers of America, The Shirley Center at UC San Marcos and the Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University. I have sought out additional study in transpersonal psychology, what I simply call “spiritual psychology” that focuses on the mind, body, sound trifecta in transcendent experiences, which death and being Sacred Witness to dying is absolutely part of that. In fact I feel that birth and death are the two most Sacred experiences we encounter as people in this life.
What inspired you to focus your practice on providing support for individuals experiencing complex grief related to death and dying?
My practice isn’t just focused on that. It is a component of my practice. I work with individuals that are in various stages of life and dying and I include addiction to be a phase of death from a mind, body, spirit perspective. I have individuals who could be diagnosed with Prolong Grief Disorders (what we now call what used to be complex grief). The irony is that I and many other clinicians don’t agree with the DSM’s criteria for this “disorder”. It states that there is a timeline for grieving and our reality is that there is not. When you lose a child, it’s absolutely ridiculous to think you will be “over that in a year or two” and move on. It’s ludicrous. However the work I do with people who experience intense, long-lasting grief, is centered on helping their minds get unstuck from the intense feedback look of despair, to acknowledging the beauty of the life of the person who passed, their relationship and in a very spiritual sense, knowing that the individual that has crossed over has a spirit that is very much with them now. I realize not everyone believes that, and that is their option of course! But, I have never worked with individuals that do not. From a technical perspective, I utilize aspects of CBT but also a method called re-imagining that is part of Columbia University’s Center for Prolonged Grief’s method. I do not use the full method for a variety of reasons, the main one being each individual, each grief is different and I don’t believe there is a cookie cutter way of addressing those aches. I do involve grief education and indigenous perspective, expressive arts and incorporate ways to allow the grief held internally to have a voice, which can be so difficult with intense emotions. However, through the arts we can find ways to find our voice and begin to let the grief express itself. Many times we hold onto the grief because it’s all we have left of the relationship with the individual and we think that if we let the grief go, we won’t have their essense anymore.
How do you approach working with clients who are facing anticipatory grief as they navigate a loved one’s terminal illness?
I work with them in learning about the dying process, again, finding their voice through the arts and addressing anxiety. This involves physical movement to release the tension and stress hormones that fuel the nervous system, psychoeducation about how anxiety works in your system, natural supplements, breathwork, and tailored coping mechanisms for the individual. There are elements of MCBT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) that I use, but it is a lot of mindfulness education and development as well.
What are some common misconceptions about grief that you encounter in your work, and how do you address them with your clients?
I think the Mourner’s Bill of Rights from Dr. Alan Mofelt at the Center for Loss and Life Transition is fundamental in helping squash those myths and misconceptions. Too, we have this heaviness about death in this country [USA] and not to minimize that in any way, but death is release. There are Celebrations of Life. I often feel those should happen prior to the death so the individual in active dying can be a part of that and hear those stories and the ways their life has impacted their family members or other loved ones and encourage those dialogues. But post-death, it’s ok to smile, to have fun at a funeral or to engage in activities that the loved one that passed enjoyed and find your joy there too. Death and mourning don’t always have to look like a wet, heavy wool blanket full of depression. There is nothing wrong with it looking that way as well. So, the misconception that everyone mourns a certain way I meet by encouraging people who are mourning to find what is meaningful for them, what they need to do or not do, what ritual, ceremony, life change will help them live a fulfilling life in honor of the one that has passed. Now, in some cases we know there can be a lot of conflicting emotions about someone who a person might have had a difficult or even a traumatic time with. Those again are dealt with in accordance with what the individual needs. The second misconception that I fundamentally tackle is what I mentioned prior, that there is no timeline for grief. At all. That grief is not “healed” it is integrated into your life. Experiences occur with life that grow your experience with your emotions in different ways. Thoughts and perspective can shift, and there can be years or decades after someone passes where you still are impacted at the holidays or anniversary dates of the death. It’s all ok.
How do you integrate modalities such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or mindfulness-based interventions into your grief counseling practice?
Again, as I’ve said, this is all done on a very individual basis. I do not use any intervention singley. CBT has elements that are not compatible with chronic, complex trauma from grief events. Mindfulness is a core part of my practice. I utilize expressive arts a lot as there are things we can’t find the words for often, allowing imagery and mark making to express things. More organized “activities” with memorial making, letter writing, etc are always part of the process if appropriate. Grief yoga, Tai Chi, somatic movement for soothing is a part of my practice as well as spiritual counseling and energy work through the ancient traditions of Curanderismo.
What role do you believe spirituality and existential questions play in the grieving process, and how do you address these aspects with your clients?
Accepting that not all people believe in or have spiritual practices is important as much as honoring differences and understanding, learning about what is culturally appropriate. Being in conversation with the family or client is essential. In the dying process there are many documented instances of existential experiences with family, spirits, angels from the other side appearing to dying loved ones. Death education can help people understand this too. I work with clients to understand their spiritual preferences. Being an interfaith minister who studied world religions and a Curandera, a practice that is very spiritual and traditional in Latin American cultures, I specifically offer ceremony, ritual development and prayer and channeling.
Can you discuss the importance of creating a safe and supportive therapeutic space for individuals to express their grief authentically?
This is essential and foundational to any therapy, Doula or coaching session.
How do you incorporate techniques for building resilience and coping skills into your grief counseling sessions?
It’s what we do within practice constantly. My sessions are not “just talk sessions”, they are interactive with a variety of interventions that support resilience building. After all that is the ultimate goal, in many ways.
What resources or community support do you recommend to clients who are navigating grief and loss?
How do you stay informed about current research and best practices in advanced grief counseling, and how do you continue to grow and evolve in your role?
Through continuing education both traditional and existential and continued self development.
Recently, a novel concept has emerged, reshaping the traditional approach to farewells: living funerals. Unlike conventional ceremonies held posthumously, living funerals provide an occasion for individuals to actively celebrate their lives while still alive and surrounded by loved ones. This blog explores the significance of living funerals, their origins, benefits, and the impact they can have on individuals and their communities. We will unravel the essence of living funerals and their transformative power in embracing life’s beauty.
Origins and Evolution
The roots of living funerals can be traced back to various cultural practices and traditions that celebrate life and honor the journey of the living. From ancient rituals commemorating milestones and achievements to modern-day ceremonies emphasizing the importance of connection and presence, living funerals have shifted the focus from death to life itself. In recent years, individuals have increasingly embraced the concept of living funerals as a way to reclaim control over their end-of-life experiences and leave behind a meaningful legacy.
Creating Meaningful Moments
At the heart of a living funeral lies the opportunity to create meaningful moments and memories that celebrate the richness of life. Whether gathering with loved ones to share stories, expressing gratitude for cherished relationships, or engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, living funerals provide a space for individuals to reflect on their lives and their impact on others. By actively participating in their own celebration, individuals can find some peace and tranquility as they approach the end of life.
Healing and Connection
Living funerals also offer a powerful opportunity for healing and connection for the individual and their loved ones. By openly acknowledging the reality of mortality and celebrating life in the present moment, living funerals can facilitate meaningful conversations, strengthen bonds, and provide a sense of closure for all involved. Through shared laughter, tears, and expressions of love, participants can find solace in the collective experience of honoring life and embracing the beauty of human connection.
Empowering End-of-Life Planning
In addition to serving as a celebration of life, living funerals can also play a practical role in end-of-life planning. Through active engagement in their own farewell ceremony, individuals can guarantee the fulfillment of their last desires, the acknowledgment of their preferences, and the preservation of their legacy. From selecting meaningful readings and music to expressing personal messages and intentions, living funerals empower individuals to shape their narrative and leave a legacy reflecting their values and beliefs.
Living funerals offer a powerful and transformative way for individuals to celebrate life, connect with loved ones, and find meaning and closure in the face of mortality. By shifting the focus from death to life, these unique ceremonies provide a space for reflection, gratitude, and celebration, fostering healing and connection for all involved. As we continue to explore new ways of honoring life and embracing the end-of-life journey, may we find inspiration in the concept of living funerals and the profound impact they can have on our lives and relationships.
Reflections on the Final Farewell 