Welcome to a profound exploration into the world of end-of-life care. In this interview, we introduce Lauren Seeley, a Death Doula, to delve into her unique role, experiences, and the profound impact she has on those journeying through life’s final moments. Join us as we gain insights, wisdom, and compassion from the perspective of someone dedicated to supporting individuals and families through one of life’s most sacred transitions.

What drew you to become a death doula, and how has your journey shaped your approach to end-of-life care?

I took care of two of my grandmothers at the end of their life as a teenager. One with cancer, one with dementia. After that, I kind of just went on with my life and didn’t think about it for years. Then, ten years ago, I was enrolled in school for mortuary science. I wanted to gain experience in the field, so I began applying at funeral care homes and crematoriums. My interest was mostly in helping families interment and with grief, but I was told as a heavily tattooed person, I would never be a funeral director. I kind of bowed out after that until last year, when I discovered this more holistic approach of helping people at the end of their lives and their loved ones following after.

Can you share a memorable experience from your work as a death doula that has had a significant impact on you?

Realizing how much people just want to feel seen and heard at the end of their lives and how a lot of people aren’t comfortable with talking to them about death acceptance. It can feel very isolated and lonely. I am grateful to lift some of that burden and to be of support when they want to be transparent about their feelings at that time.

How do you support individuals and families in navigating the emotional and spiritual aspects of dying?

There are always two different perspectives you encounter as a death doula: the living and the dying. I try to get the living to be as present and loving as possible, and in turn, I show the same support to the dying. Anticipatory grief can often interfere with loved ones being capable of being present, especially as caregivers. I offer literature and resources as well around navigating grief at the time of death. 

What role do you believe rituals and ceremonies play in the dying process, and how do you incorporate them into your practice?

I believe that they are of the utmost importance. Clearing the space, incorporating teas and candles and calming atmosphere, bringing a soothing presence and offering touch if it is desired. I believe that every moment in life should be mindful and could be an opportunity for ritual, so the same can be said in death/dying. 

How do you approach discussions about death with individuals who may be resistant or apprehensive about facing their mortality?

This is something very common that I encounter. My Death Doula clients aren’t always dying and sometimes just want to talk about death in a safe space. If they aren’t comfortable when discussing death and dying, I usually allow them space to come back in their own time, if time permits. Books are a great way to start a conversation for those reluctant. 

Can you describe your approach to supporting loved ones through the grieving process after a death?

I accept grief for all that it is and understand that healing is not linear. Most people deep down just want a safe space to show up however they are, and openly grieve. I give that to them: safety. Acceptance. Love and Compassion. 

How do you address the unique cultural and spiritual beliefs of individuals and families in your care?

My beliefs are unimportant when it comes to the care of the dying. I leave them at the threshold. This is their time, not mine. I show up for them and what their beliefs may be.

What resources or tools do you find most helpful in providing holistic support to dying individuals and their families?

Comfort. A comfortable, loving, quiet environment. Paying attention to the needs and doing my best to be an intuitive support system. I want to create a calming and warm place around them, as free of distractions and anxiety as possible. Again, I always offer literature, online resources, and a safe space to be. 

How do you prioritize self-care and prevent burnout while working in such an emotionally demanding field?

I enjoy yoga, reading, playing an intuitive instrument (Theremin), taking long walks, and observing the world around me. I try to remain as present as possible and listen to what my body and soul need to feel nourished and recharged.  

How do you collaborate with other healthcare professionals, such as hospice teams or palliative care providers, to ensure comprehensive care for your clients?

Communication is key. I am always mindful of what health care providers suggest and their plan in place regarding the dying. At the same time, I am sensitive to the needs and wishes of the dying. 

Can you share any insights or lessons you’ve learned from your work as a death doula that you believe everyone should know about death and dying?

Dying can be so lonely when you feel responsible for holding the grief of your loved ones, though you cannot change it or prevent it. The dying need space to just be, reflect, feel seen, and held while they transition from their body. While grief is unavoidable, I believe death literacy helps everyone become more aware of how to process, accept, and spend time with their loved ones in a way that brings peace at the end of life. 

How do you support individuals who may be experiencing existential or spiritual distress as they approach the end of life?

Any emotions at the end of life are normal. I try to remind them that they are supported with love and understanding and not try to come to any resolution or convince them that they need to be a certain way. Sometimes, just talking about their fears and anxieties helps to relieve some of the burden. As a Death Doula, we can offer the space to discuss these things. Family may not always feel comfortable talking about death. We want to help the dying and the family understand what they are feeling.

Can you discuss the importance of creating a compassionate and peaceful environment for those who are dying and how you facilitate this in your practice?

Sometimes, it’s the simplest gestures that go a long way. Leaving all of our personal feelings and emotions at the threshold, we enter the space of the dying to provide care and a calming presence. Holding their hand, gentle touch, gentle voice, soothing music, gentle light, a warm blanket, and an open ear are ways to be present and soothing. We must allow the dying peace through their transition, free of fear and free of distraction. 

How do you approach the topic of legacy and life review with individuals who are facing the end of life?

Some are ready to take on legacy work right away. Not everyone is ready and accepting that their time in their body is coming to an end. I try to incorporate an artistic approach to creating beautiful memories and memorials for loved ones to have to remember them long after they are gone. Since every individual is different, I try to find a unique way in which they would enjoy putting something special together.

What strategies do you use to help individuals find meaning and purpose in their final days?

Every day is a gift! It doesn’t always feel that way, so how can we make the most of it? Most people, at the end of life, are not always going to feel up to doing much more than just resting. I find that they live to talk and tell stories otherwise! I just listen. If there is anything I can do to make their final days feel more pleasant, meaningful, and enjoyable. I do ask, and they usually tell me. But what I find is, most likely, it’s a time to reflect and talk about things that maybe they never even have had the chance to. 

How do you address practical considerations such as advance care planning and end-of-life wishes with your clients?

I ask them what pre-planning they already have in place and what still needs to be addressed. I let them know that they are likely to have the arrangements they desire if we plan early and that it will save time and stress for their families and loved ones.

Can you share any stories of transformative experiences or profound moments of connection that you’ve witnessed in your work as a death doula?

This would apply more to a fellow I was visiting in hospice care. Most of the hospice patients I visit have dementia, and that can either be in a home, hospital, or memory care center. This one particular fellow was known to others as a “difficult” patient. He refused food, swore at staff, and was extremely agitated in various ways. I started visiting him, and I would come and sit next to him, playing his favorite kind of music. Most of our visits were nonverbal. I first asked his permission to visit him again each time before I started promising to come visit him again. Towards the end of his life, he would smile every time he saw me. He began to trust me and was extremely kind during our visits (although he also felt safe telling me his frustrations and fears.) He began to talk more and conversed with me in our last few visits. I think that he just needed to feel seen and heard, and I felt so honored that he opened up to me. I’ll never forget that. I could tell that our time together made his last days a little more special.

What advice would you give to someone who is interested in becoming a death doula?

Read everything you can get your hands on about end-of-life care, funeral planning, grief support, and anything from the perspective of the dying. Research schools, volunteer for hospice, and connect with other doulas and death care providers in your community. Join my Facebook group for aspiring death doulas! (You can follow her on Instagram too) And make sure that if you have any heaviness or unresolved grief around death, that you are addressing it and actively working on healing. Death work does bring up any past trauma or experiences unexpectedly. Have support in place, and make sure you take good care of yourself. Death care is hard work but rewarding for all involved in the sense that you are bringing comfort and peace to those at the end of life and their loved ones.

How do you stay informed about developments and best practices in end-of-life care, and how do you continue to grow and evolve in your role?

I follow many social media accounts of schools, providers, authors, communities, etc. Many are also part of my death doula group on Facebook and post about their current panels, available courses, webinars, and such. I will never be done growing, learning, and evolving. I want to always know more. And I read a lot. Books are such a valuable resource. And because of the amount of reading I do; I have a book club that meets monthly to read about mortality at various funeral homes and cemetery chapels. I wish this were something everyone could do, but grateful I can share this info on the internet.

In your opinion, what is the most important aspect of being a death doula, and why?

We exist to serve the dying. Our services are needed because the dying can feel so lonely and isolated, the people around them unable to bear the weight of what it means to be dying. We can bear witness; we can bear that weight. We can help families and loved ones explore being present through death literacy and awareness. The word “Doula” in Greek means “to serve,” and that is exactly what we do for those at the end of life.