In this interview, we have the honor of speaking with Shelley Blair, an experienced death doula known for her compassionate support during life’s final moments. Shelley shares insights into her journey, revealing the motivations and challenges behind her work as a comforting presence for individuals and families facing death. Join us as we explore the transformative power of compassion and companionship in the delicate space between life and death.

Tell me a little about your background and training and what made you want to be a doula.

It was my mother, Rose and her death that pulled me in this direction. Bless her heart! My mom passed away in 2018. and I was the primary caregiver for her for many years. She lived a good life up until about age 89, then she started having health issues and ended up in hospital. She lived her whole life on the family farm where I grew up in Kitscoty, Alberta. When her health started to fail her, she needed more help so I jumped in, and she welcomed that, and the journey began. When your health starts to decline, it can follow a slow decline for some people. That is how it went for my mother her health/age decline went on for a good eight years and then came that day when she was ready. They told my sister and I she’s not coming back; she’s palliative. I was in shock and I thought no, I’m not ready. I think I spent so much time holding her up and helping her, that it took me a while to walk in those shoes and truly accept those words – she is dying, but I started. They said the death journey, the act of dying journey, can take anywhere up to 14 days, and my mom pretty much did that. She went on for almost 14 days in a local hospital, where my sister and I were there with her through it all. At this point I didn’t know anything about dying. Our society, our culture, has put all that behind doors and handed it off to the funeral homes. Looking after my mom at this stage, I was using Google along the way; I have to be honest, I was googling a lot of information about the steps and what would happen. Two or three years before this experience with my mom, the death doula world, for some reason, kept coming into my thoughts. The death journey experience with my mom, really pushed it to the forefront for me. After she passed away, there were a lot of things that I wish I had known. What I know now is what I wish I had known then. I wish I had known how to be there, truly be there for my father as well when he died in 1999. I was just a mess, and I wish I hadn’t been because I missed a very significant part of our life together—those ending moments. I was in a different life phase, so, I think I did better with my mom. After my mom’s death, I investigated death education, and I took my End of Life training through the University of Vermont. I was so fortunate because the time was good as Francesca Arnoldy was heading the course at the time. She is a strong supporting figure in the world of death doulas and everything death and dying. She has written two or three books since and is an amazing person. I loved the course. I was sad when the course was over because I just wanted to gobble up more. This is my passion. I think I was 55 at the time. I thought, oh, this is what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a death doula. So, the journey began. I just started volunteering with our local hospice, Pilgrims Hospice, and working in the world of death. It just fills my heart. It gives me so much love and compassion towards people, the sharing, the ability to help families walk those moments and know they can just be family. They don’t have to be caregivers. I am there to allow them to sit and be with their loved one.

What services do you offer? Do you have a checklist of services or just a tool bag of things you bring to the table?

I have found my passion working with dementia clients and end of life clients. I had a co-worker reach out when I was doing the training, and I told her what I was doing, and she said, oh my God, I need you. Her mom was diagnosed with dementia and her life was becoming harder living with the disease. Families can’t do it all. They can’t be there 24 hours. So, if I can go and sit with a family member for a couple of hours to take the load off, and they know that their loved one is in good hands. This is just so important. That was one thing the journey with my mom taught me – it took a toll on my sister and me. We were two hours away from her, so we were driving two hours every week near the end, staying for two or three days. We finally found somebody we could bring in to help us while we weren’t there to keep an eye on her and let us know if she needed anything. The hospice nurses are wonderful, but they have so much to do. That’s what I find in being a death doula: I can help offer and fill in some of those gaps to support families. My certified dementia care provider training was done on line through Dementia Solutions which is an amazing company out of British Columbia. So I am able to combine 2 essential services to families. We all know end of life doesn’t necessarily mean tomorrow. With one of my clients, it was two years. I went on the journey with her and her family for those two years, companioning her and helping her be as comfortable as possible. I was able to help the family navigate that as well. Also, I do vigil sitting. If somebody needs me to sit with their loved one so they can take some time alone and a break, I truly hold fast to the nobody dies alone belief.

That’s such important work. I’m so glad you’re doing it. What would a typical day or week look like for you regarding the number of people you see, etc.?

Right now, I have two ongoing clients. I visit them every other week, and I spend time with them, being in the present. I meet them where they are at. One thing I want to clarify is the need for balance. I also work in an office. I’m an operations manager and hearings director with a regulatory body in Edmonton. I couldn’t wear the death doula hat all the time. It’s very heavy (in a good way). I would be very consumed by it. So, the balance for me is working part-time in a different world, and I do death doula part-time. It’s just to keep my energies and emotions balanced. You do take on a lot from the death and dying world. It’s not that it’s “so busy”; it carries heavy emotional energies and I need to look after myself.

It sounds like you’re saying your part-time office job kind of grounds you.

It does exactly. I’m not consumed by it when my mind is elsewhere, doing other skills and working with different energies. 

Being grounded in that office work can be refreshing. So the next time you can be fully there.

Absolutely. I picked that up right at the beginning, the 14 days I spent in the active dying phase with my mom, those energies were heavy, very heavy. That’s something I took away from that experience. I had another client that I worked with; her husband was dying at home. The family was just exhausted. And I was brought in for the final six days. We didn’t know how long it would be, but it was six days. I was able to take the load off the family and let them just be family. Those were six long days because it’s 24 hours of monitoring things, ensuring everything is okay, communicating with the medical team, and being a conduit, being the advocate—a lot of advocacy work.

Do you have a medical background in nursing or anything like that?

No, I don’t.

What is that like to navigate the medical system?

It isn’t easy, but I’m very comfortable with it. Death doulas are non-medical, so we don’t do anything medical. Eight years of navigating the system with my mother taught me a lot. So, I guess you could say that I have an eight-year education. I am a good navigator.

That hands-on education is quite valuable. Can you share a memorable encounter with one of your clients? Something that sticks out in your mind?

With my client of two years who had dementia, as her disease progressed, she was still sitting up but non-verbal. We had developed a very hands-on relationship. I played music. She loved the old hymns, so I would play, sing, and hold her hand. I knew she knew I was there. I knew our connection was strong and with her daughters as well. They would see her weekly, and I had just become one of the daughters. I helped fill in the gap. The day that she died, one of her daughters who lived in the town was visiting her. I messaged her and asked how everything was going. She said she had forgotten something she wanted to share with her mom, so she ran home, and in the time the daughter was gone, her mother died. They reached out to me right away, and I went, and we sat with Audrey for a good hour if not more before they phoned the funeral home. It was just a wonderful farewell. It was a wonderful ending. During the funeral, they brought me into the back for viewing before they closed the coffin, and she was just so beautiful. The funeral home just did an amazing job. And I saw her as this beautiful, beautiful woman with no cares anymore. No disease. And it was just wonderful. That’s the bonding this kind of work will do. I still have a relationship with the daughters, and we get together two or three times a year. I’m their little sister. I think my connectivity with their mom brings them closer together because as they all live their own busy lives and when we get together, it’s like we’re all together with their mom again.

Does that happen often as far as keeping in touch with the family?

I keep contact yearly because I always send a note to the families on the day their loved one died. But not as deep as this relationship, though. This is a special family relationship.

How do you collaborate with medical teams? You said you waited two hours to call the funeral home. At that point, do you involve a doctor or a nurse?

She was actually at a facility at the time of her death, so there were already nurses around. I had a client who was dying at home, and because they knew he was going to die at home, you don’t have to phone the police or authorities. It was an expected death. I just let the doctor and home care people know that he had passed, and we just sat and spent time with him. We didn’t have to do anything. His daughter, who was a few miles away, was called in she came and spent time with her dad. His brother was with him and was able to spend the end with him. The funeral home was called when everyone was ready and okay with it. There is no rush to have your loved one taken away quickly.

What is it like sitting with the family after someone has passed?

It depends. I follow the family’s lead and what they want to do. It’s very, very important not to push my agenda. If people are at a loss for what to do, I try to make them comfortable. I took pictures of them holding his hand, which I later made into cards and sent to the daughter and the brothers so they would have that memory. I’m an artist, so during the vigil, I did this picture.

I shared it with the family. I played music the whole time with the blessing of the family. Music that he liked. Just quietly. And enduring what I call very active energy. As they get ready to leave, to pass, to die, there’s a lot of energy work that goes on in the body as they’re closing down and transitioning to where they’re going. When I feel that going on, and I see signs of that, I want to keep it quiet except the very low beautiful music that I play. I love to light candles, and I have my energy rocks around. Most families are fine with that. When I tell them the tools I have in my doula bag, I always ask permission to use them. So, I follow the lead of the family. I’m in the background while the family is in the forefront unless there is no family. In that case, I’m at the forefront.

So if the family is there, you’re like their rock in the background.

Absolutely. I watch and see what they need. I’m very intuitive, and I can meet needs without them even knowing what those needs are. I do whatever they might need at any given moment. That may include making sure the house is tidy. When I stayed at the house those six days, I ensured the house was neat, the dishes were done, and that sort of thing. And his wife could be in the moment with her husband.

That’s an excellent way to support people who are grieving. I love that.

She also had amazing friends and neighbors who would drop food off, so I didn’t have to do any cooking.

Have you taken care of anybody who had no family whatsoever?

Well, one of my clients is not actively dying, but she has no family. A nurse contacted me because she was in the hospital and had no family. She has nobody. So I came into her world; I guess it’s three years now, and I’ve just recently helped her move into assisted living. I would help get her groceries because her mobility was bad, and she couldn’t do that on her own anymore. She’s incontinent, so she needed the pads and stuff like that. So, I was making sure those needs were met. I started doing laundry for her; it just got too much for me because I have a very busy life. I’m also a mother; my children are now getting on their own, but they weren’t then. They were still at home. So, I helped her move into the facility, and I still have a connection with her. But she has nobody. I will stay with her until she dies and honour her wishes.

Is that a volunteer situation?

It has turned in that because she doesn’t have much money and living in the facility is costly. Before she would pay me, she lived independently in a subsidized apartment. Now, her financial situation is such that I won’t take her money. She needs that money to live there. She’s farther away from me now, distance-wise, so I’ll see her once or twice a month, but phone and talk to her more often. She has caregivers as far as the system goes. She has the LPN on staff, so I communicate with them to ensure everything’s okay. I will follow her right through to the end. I’ve helped her get all her papers in order so she can rest easy with that.

You do great practical things for your people.

I don’t push it on anybody, but when I get new clients, I always ask where they are in the paperwork journey. If they need help, I will help them, but I’m not particularly interested in that end of it. Mine is the hands-on work with the dying and the families, the vigil sitting, and things like that. But I have connections with people who do paperwork, so I can always refer them.

What would you say is a common misconception about death doulas?

It’s not so much misconceptions. They just don’t know what we do. A daughter reached out to me because she thought her dad was dying. He was in hospital. So she reached out to a colleague of mine, a death doula who turned to me because she couldn’t handle the amount of hours that her father needed. So, she brought us both in to be with her dad in the hospital. And then he didn’t die. So he returned to his assisted living facility, and she wanted us to stay.The daughter loved our work and was convinced we had something to do with bringing him home. We’re not healers, and we don’t promote that. We are just with the person and meet them where they are at and make sure their needs are met. Quite honestly, you either have it or you don’t have it. It’s just something that is a very internal thing that you make those connections as being a death doula, and you can’t force it to happen. It’s not a job. It’s something so genuine. I don’t know how to explain it.

I understand what you mean; to put it very simply, you’re born to do it, or you’re not.

Yes, you already have the tools inside. When my colleague and I worked with the dad in the facility, some of the staff were a bit cold with us when we spent time with him. So, I made a poster defining what an end-of-life doula is and what we do. I hung it on his wall. Some said thank you for doing that because they were unsure who and what death doulas were and do. Some thought we were trying to do their jobs. But it’s a totally different, we fill in gaps. We are there to help take the “load off” of staff and family. We’re non-medical, and we do not do the job that a nurse or doctor does. You can explain it to one or two people, but you can’t be there for all the shifts if they don’t pass the message on. So, the poster helped.

What kinds of things are involved in the spiritual and emotional aspects of the job?

I’m agnostic. I’m open to listening and hearing everybody’s perspective on spirituality. As for my spirituality, I like many different spiritual focuses. I’m very earthy. I believe in the nature around us. I love old time hymns. I didn’t go to church as a child, but my mom used to play the hymns. I have an extensive toolbox that I use to work with people. As a doula, you meet people where they’re at. I bring in my crystals and set them around for different energies; people have been receptive to that, some love it, some don’t mind and some don’t care. Nobody thinks I’m hokey pokey, I don’t think. Nobody’s ever said, Oh, get that stuff out of here. I use essential oils. There’s one called Protect, which is a blend of different oils. I will use that on the blankets that cover someone dying. I don’t put it on the skin or anything but just around. The smell is amazing, and it’s just a tool I use to get where I need to be. People welcome it. People are just so open. Honestly, when you get down to the nitty-gritty of end-of-life, people don’t understand death and if someone is there to help walk the journey with them, they are thankful. Death and dying has been in the closet for this whole generation, a few generations now, and we need to open it up and let people know it’s not a scary place. It’s a beautiful place. I am so honored when I sit with somebody who’s dying. And when I’m with the family, it is such an honor, and it fills my heart with gratitude.

So whether or not you’re religious or spiritual, there’s something about the dying time that is very sacred.

I felt that truly with my mother. It’s was such an honor. The nurses would come in daily to ensure she was clean and wash her. I think they interrupted some transition work she was doing once. She sat right up in bed and made a strange noise, and I just went over and put my arms around her and held her. Oh my God, it was her spirit. I was holding it, and I knew it. As for the interruptions, part of me thinks, people who are dying don’t need to be cleaned and bathed everyday. They’re doing very personal vital work, transition work to their next journey. And I think that needs to be, from my point of view, honored and respected.

What ethical considerations do you have regarding relationships with families or involvement in end-of-life journeys?

I’m a member of the end-of-life doula Association of Canada. We follow our values, missions,and standards of practice. The biggest thing is not to cross any boundaries. I don’t tell people what to do, I can suggest if I see them stuck in not knowing, but usually I wait to be asked. I can offer suggestions and referrals if they need medical help. I don’t cross any lines. I’m just there to be with the family and follow their cues; privacy is essential.

What’s the role of rituals? Do you have any, or have families requested certain rituals?

I haven’t any, and as a doula, I follow the family’s lead and meet them where they are.

What are some challenges that you’ve come across in this work?

People don’t know what a death doula is. They don’t know who I am and what I do. So if I am volunteering at my local hospital on the palliative ward, I need to talk about and promote my activities and how I interact with the dying. Just because someone is non responsive, doesn’t mean they don’t need attention and someone just to sit next to them and hold space. I, along with the other amazing death doulas are breaking ground, it’s a grassroots effort here where we’re at. We’re getting the word out. So thank you very much for the work you’re doing, helping to get our efforts and work out to the people. Canada is slowly getting to know and understand the term death doula, and what we do.

Do you carry business cards or pamphlets or anything?

I have a website. I have business cards. I carry liability insurance. End-of-life doulas are legitimate and real.

How do you balance your own self-care with caring for others?

One of the things I do is a little protection so I don’t carry unwanted energies with me when I leave a visit. I use crystal singing bowls. I recently bought a steel tongue drum and play my own music. I do my own work through the chakra energies and frequencies. I firmly believe in the strength of our frequencies. I keep myself healthy and grounded through that. I use meditation and healing music. I also use tuning forks to ground myself.

Oh, nice, so you’re always continuing your education.

Absolutely. I love it. I love what I’m doing. It just fills my heart and soul.

Will you take on more with the doula role once you retire from your day job?

I am not sure I could ever let go of my doula work. Learning about death and dying is fascinating and remarkable. We will see as time goes on, where my journey will take me.

It sounds like you get as much out of it as the people you serve.

I think I probably get more. It’s with me all the time. I read about the death process all the time to educate myself and get more in tune with what’s going on. I’m so curious about the dying process. And the communication and energies that go on. That’s so, so fascinating to me. My husband said about my time with my mom, “she helped you into the world, and you helped her out”. So I give that to my families, giving them a piece of real estate to hang on to, that they are part of the beautiful journey.

That’s an excellent way of looking at that. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. It’s that exchange of energy. The labor of birthing is no different than the labor of dying.

Yeah, it’s not. It’s just a different process. One, you come into the world, and the other, you go into another world, maybe. It could be the same. You never know, you never know. That’s what’s so fascinating to me. I know that it’s very loving. It’s a very loving process. And that’s what we as a society are missing out on by sending this all behind closed doors. That’s what it feels like, you know, it’s just hidden away. How are people supposed to know how to serve their dying? In the early 1900s, people died at home with their families. The 40s and 50s were when the funeral home started coming in. And we started shipping our dying people off to them. As a young person, I couldn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral. So sad. If I can be a part of the movement to make a change to this I will be grateful.

That could’ve been an opportunity to learn about death because it seems so scary at that age when it’s all hush-hush and in secret.

It’s that exactly. You have questions like where’d my grandma go. We should educate kids not to be afraid of death.

So, let’s close this out with some advice that you would give someone just starting on the path to becoming a death doula.

Learn, learn, and step into it, if it’s a natural calling for you. There’s so much information out there to learn. Just keep reading books. There are so many good books, so many wonderful books written about it. And follow your heart because you can’t go wrong. And talk to people about it. And people will appreciate it. People do appreciate it. Humankind appreciates the work that we do. And I know that.